Spiralling confusion

I just realized that we are all at stage in our lives where the only thing that comes out clear is 'Confusion'.I am victim of this syndrome too and hence write this bit which is more or less a piece of my mind i guess.Be warned you may not like to admit it ...but all of us go through this arbit 'confused' period in our lives at one point or the other, just that i seem to have realized it strongly now :)
My confusion is not a materialistic one which deals with things like - what should i wear/ or what should i be carrying with me ... My confusion is more to do with.. 'What am i really doing with my life ?????'... Am i in the right spot? Am i making the right decisions? Am i doing something which i like or am i doing things just because there's nothing more/less left to do? Why is it that its confusion that lurks at every nook and corner? Sometime back i met an acquaintance of mine from work, and we happened to travel back home together that night. It was such a strange realization i had that day. Every time i would meet her i would see her fuming over her state of affairs and i would be the one giving her an assuring reply to every frustrated sentence of hers.But this time it was like a complete role reversal.I was her and she was me. I had a really bad day at work, the past few weeks of my life were literally spirally down on me, and i must say it was the first time i had soo many open ended questions that i wanted answers to. Our conversation that day went on and on for a really long time and it stuck me soo strongly that day that i was basically 'confused' with my life :) The whole episode led to us discussing on something called 'Quarter Life Crisis' (i know i sound soo old while i say it....but its true..we r all around 24 something that makes the Quarter and well the Crisis is the confused state of affairs of ours :) ) . Just thought id share this article and see people go 'Sigghhh!!!! that's my life' :)

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.
You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you.. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. You want to settle down for good because now all of a sudden that becomes top priority. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You begin to think a companion for life is better than a hundred in the sack and for once you would not mind standing tall for that special someone which otherwise you had never thought of until now.You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would b e great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it.We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
We call it the "Quarter-life Crisis"

After reading this article i felt soo relieved. Not that it gave me any answers or anything , but just the assurance that i am not the only person who is going through this paranoia :) And as usual when i like something which hits me really strong, i share it with everyone who can appreciate the worth of the thought. And when i shared it with some of my friends, i realized all of them felt the same as i did, just that the extent of realization varied from one person to the other. The talk with that acquaintance and the article she shared with me, made me realize that all of us are stuck at the exact same phase in life, its up to us to make decisions to bring out clarity in our lives. What we choose to do from the point of realization of this confusion to the point of clarity is up to us. Well i think i ve made up my mind on the point of clarity i need to achieve, it all depends on whether i successfully get there or not :) Now i am actually loving the confusion i am in, cause i know that someday(hopefully :) ) i will be out of it ..but till then the paranoia looms i guess :)
Well i guess this is what life is all about, and all of us are living it right here :)

Adieu to the king

There are days which start off with such a big bang that you are left in a state of disbeliefe for a really long time.Today was one of such days for me. I was at my gym this morning and i couldn help notice that they were playing all of MJs hits back to back.Refreshing as it was with comparision to the boring collection they usually play, what i realised next was not even close to refreshing. My TV screen was blaring with FLASH NEWS in red, saying 'Micheal Jackson dead'.
When i read that i really thought it was some practical joke someone was playing...How could MJ possibly die??? He had a series of concerts lined up in London come July and there was soo much happening around his soo called 'comeback tour' that i really was in a state of denial.

I didn really understand why i was soo bumped down by hearing this news or seeing it in front of me.Whenever MJs name scrolled on the screen i would remember the time when i was a little kid.The times when i used to listen to MJ croon from the cassettes my brother recorded of his when he came down from his hostel during his vacation. It reminded me of the times when i was the kid who secretly watched MTV hoping to see some MJ videos and practice his dance moves.His moonwalk, his amazing high pitch voice, the bizzare 'aaooow' all of those came running back to my head.I realised that it wasn the present 'me' who was mourning, but it was that part of me which was that little kid who grew up listening to MJ s music, watching his videos,secretly trying his dance moves.I just realised i was 'that kid'. I just realised i went back to that part of my childhood which i hadn thought of in a really long time.

The King of Pop as he was popularly called, and i think he truly deserves it.I mean he brought to the entertainment industry across the globe what possible no individual could ever bring.He propelled the sensational 'break dance' to this world in his music videos and performances.He must have influenced thousands(or probably many many more in count) of young people to get into dancing, influencing his dance in their everyday life, inspiring people to choreography.His contribution to just inspiring young people around to get into music and dance is way above than something that can get measured.His high pitch voice, the mix of different styles of music in his songs brought the freshness and attraction that people craved for.And even till this day am sure if anyone of us hears his 'Thriller' you would want to just get up and dance.He has some excellent scores which will forever remain classics in my(our) minds.
He may not have been the best of the person he was in his personal life, but what he gave to his audience and fans was truly extraordinary. He is a legend and will be remembered for many many years from now.
I really wished i could see him perform live in India before i could die, but..... this was the closest i could get to this legend.

He is one of those whom you could love, you could hate but you couldn just ignore.To pick one of my favourites would definetly be hard.Though i liked his older songs when he looked 'himself'...'Beat It','Thriller' and the rest...But 'Thriller' was this one video which spooked me up when i first saw it, but as i watched it again and again i fell in love with it.Another one to mention here would be 'Heal the world', that song had the healing touch with his soothing,balanced voice which actually makes the listener want to believe that he can make his world a better place to live in.

I d like to end this post with one of his songs.

" Do You Remember The Time
When We Fell In Love
Do You Remember The Time
When We First Met
Do You Remember The Time
When We Fell In Love
Do You Remember The Time"

We will always remember you.You will be missed
R.I.P

Its not about the bike- Lance Armstrong

Taking a complete 360 degree turn from my last read is the first of the autobiographies of Lance Armstrong. It is the first autobiography that i have successfully been able to finish reading and it deserves credit for it :)

Its a very soulful description of how Lance Armstrong goes in and out of his battle with testicular cancer.Being a victim of something as deadly as cancer is harsh enough for a normal person, but the whole journey of this through the eyes of an international athlete for whom his/her body has to be perfect composure is even more painful.

It starts of with one of the very striking elements of the book.Lance's relationship with his mother.He shares a very kind and a highly understanding relationship with his single and struggling mother.The series of descriptions that Lance provides on his mother gives you an insight of where the root of Lance's strength comes from- his Mother. It talks about his journey from being a local hero to breaking international borders and venturing into the tougher cycling worlds of Europe and fighting through the vicious grips of cancer.

Its a great book to understand what passion is all about.

He talks purely about his passion and describes the art of being a cyclist in a very retrospectal way.Honestly i must admit that i am no sports fan and the only thing i knew about Lance Armstrong was that he was a 'stud' when it came to Tour de France...but what it takes to be there and win it...came to my understanding after reading the book.I thoroughly respect him for being the professional that he is and he truly deserves every victory that has come by his way professionally.The way he talks about his practice sessions..his struggle through the total understanding of the competitive world around him is quite an int resting read.He doesn care to hide the fact that he was/is an arrogant person but i think that's what made him what he is now.

The other aspect of the book is his fight through Cancer and how he is determined to fight it out because he wants to 'ride' again.The book is very well compartmentalised to describe the various stages of cancer he goes through and in each chapter he describes each element earnestly.He has one chapter on chemo...one on survivorship...all are worth reading through Lance's eyes.After surviving testicular cancer he goes on to be a father.This is such an important thing for him especially since he doesn have a strong fatherly figure himself and he badly wants to complete the void by being one for his own kid.

After reading the book the only complaint i have is the title of the book...I think 'Its not about the Bike' is a little hypocritical if i must say....i think the whole book was about the bike and about whether or not he would be able to ride it again.Lance always says in his book that amongst the 2 most important things (fighting cancer v/s being able to ride again) he would have chosen to fight cancer but honestly i think both of them were kind of symbiotic for him....he fought cancer as he was determined to ride a bike...and he wanted to get back to riding as he was determined to fight cancer off..

Another observation i would like to make after reading this book is that Lance is extremely lucky as an individual to have had the people he had around him.Be it his mother, his closest friends, his team mates, his manager Bill, his then wife Kik.I mean he wouldn have had even half as strength as he had without such a rock solid support system around him.

The book is also quite an eye opener on human nature...it gives us such a beautiful insight on how it its to be a struggling single mother who successfully provides all the necessities to his son, its about how it is to be a victim and survivor of cancer, its about how receptive people are to the world of cancer, how it is to be a supportive friend and guide (his manager Bill) to an athlete who just comes out of cancer desperate to meet his financial crisis and get back to riding in note-worthy competitions again when the cycling world has lost hopes on what Lance is all about, its about being a totally patient and thoroughly understanding wife who supports the athlete to do whatever it takes to get his dream back-even if it means leading a spineless nomadic life...

Its a book describing how hard it is to be Lance Armstrong -the cyclist, Lance Armstrong -the cancer victim(i hate to use the term cancer patient) and the Lance Armstrong-determined to punch the face of people who called his career an end after cancer.I think whats most commendable of his insights is that the book never begs for the reader's pity...Its just talking about Lance without giving you a chance to opine...as a reader you just want to know what happens next in Lance's life (and i think its a great factor in making this autobiography such a hit).Another element which makes this a good read is that you never feel very pained reading this as an autobiography...Its very realistic description of what Lance goes through and in all the cases it doesn hide the basic arrogant nature of Lance as a professional and also as an individual.

As always i have my favourites from the book.

There are 2 things i totally loved which Lance writes-

1) He says that people talk about living life like there is no tomorrow when you know your fighting a lethal disease.But he totally rubbishes this theory as something which is made for narrow minded people.He gives a very int resting description of how selfish life would be if you were to live each day as though its your last day.

2)One of the last few lines in his book totally appealed to me- He says that 'I did not beat cancer, the medicines did..the chemo did..the efforts of his doctors did...I just survived the cancer'..it takes a lot to think this way and pen it down too..

It a book on survivorship,on will power, on being hopeful that every dark cloud does have a silver lining after all.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid - so juvenile...so fiction :)

These past few weeks have been glorious as a reader for me...Everything i laid my eyes on turned out to be gold and such joyous reads that am happy that my strike rate with reading has gotten back to being usual...the best part about being a reader is that you get to audience such wide range of ideas and mindsets which i can very definitely say cannot be explored in any other form of media.

The first of such glorious reads of mine was this outrageously funny animated journal of an insensitive and highly annoying kid called 'Greg' which is very aptly titled 'The Diary of a Wimpy Kid'. When i heard the name i thought that its probably one of those 'comic kiddish attempts' but when i took my first look at the cover of the book i knew its gonna be one hell of a laugh riot...and true to my pre-conceived notion it didn disappoint me one bit....or rather it made putting down the book such a daunting task that i can very proudly say i got 'hooked' on to it..

When you google the book down you would see that it falls into a very funny category called 'juvenile fiction' and trust me it very strictly adheres to it. Very fiction and strictly 'Juvenile'.Its a simple journal entry of a self-centered kid called Greg and his everyday portrayal of events as he sees them happen around.He is queer kid who for his age is highly selfish and far far away from being any kind of role model to any kid reading such a book, but the satire and timing in the emotion of this silly kid makes this book such an amazing read that you would like to over-look all his defaced behaviours.He is one of those kids who cares very little for the outcomes of his actions/thoughts and cares lesser for the world around him...all he really cares is about 'HIM'. He is one of those who doesnt care much about emotions that run out of actions.

The whole book is a thoroughly light read...you ca just finish it off in one go..and let me warn you...you will not put it down once you start reading it.I dont want to give out spoilers here but i just cant stop raving about the life Greg lives.There are some magically funny incidents of how hard it is to 'grow up' when you are just a kid :) Here its about how Greg goes through middle school with its share of challenges...to be cool,to be popular,to be noticeable..He has a side kick for a friend called 'Rowley' who is quite a normal kid but Greg doesn actually deserve anybody better for a friend.He doesn really care much for Rowley as long as he is occupied being around him...be it the Halloween party or the time when he doesn stand up for "Rowley's" mistaken identity which costs him his friendship with Rowley...There are some incidents which are a laugh riot like the comic strip competition where he and Rowley start of initially together but Greg is soo engrossed in his 'I am the coolest person and my idea's are the best' arrogance that he gives up on his idea -'Zoo wee mama' , which eventually becomes an instant hit in the school magazine...But my favourite journal entry is the one in which Greg secretly wishes for a Barbie dream house and he gets a Barbie doll from his equally queer uncle which gets his parents get into a nervous wreck....:)

Whats the single most commendable element of such a book is that it describes everyday affairs of a kid in such a humorous way with such brilliant illustrations that it leaves you wishing you had read it while you were growing up like Greg.There are some books which if you read while you are a kid instills the love for reading and am sure if i were a kid and read this i would have also felt the urge to continue reading from books.I distinctly remember my first concrete book that got me into the habit of reading...It was called 'The Kid who ran for the President' and after i completed the book i realised what a joy it is to just simply read. :)

So kudos to the author Jeff Kenney (who has been nominated as one of the 100 most influential people by TIME magazine) to be able to put together the juvenile thoughts in such a highly respectable cartoon format...Am just waiting when i can laymy hands on the next 3 books :)

The curious case of Benjamin Button

Its been a real long time since i ve watched an intresting Biogrophical english movie....:)

So after a really long hiatus from good english movie watching..here comes the saviour 'The Curious case of Benjamin Button'....It was an amazing movie...judging by the fact that i was silent most of the times while watching it at the cinemas :)...concentrating on every frame of the movie...The true winner of the movie is definetly the curiosity element if the story.Its a story about this child born in an unsual circumstance-he s born old and grows younger.After every scene there is this curiosity woven on how would Benjamin look or what would Benjamin do next? Its just amazing how cinema and art can define and redefine creative and artistic boundaries and pull out a story which is soo definetly improbable yet soo well weaved and blended.Brilliant make up and some extraordinary performances define the 13 Oscar nominations worthiness of this movie.Some really soulful moments on how to look at life .I think one amazing dialogue of the movie that really hit me hard was "You have to lose people in your life to realise how much you love them"- ....or that beatiful scene where Benjamin takes his dad to the pier to show him the horizon and helps him "let go" of his guilt...These are the moments that define the sheer brilliance of this movie.Its not about any particular character that blends this movie soo well its more about the plot and the after thought you get while seeing the movie.

Imagine putting yourself in the shoes of Benjamin Button and living life in the reverse..growing young by the day..turning the clock backwards.Its such a scary thing!!!!!Growing young!!!!...imagine growing younger without fighting with your siblings for candies..but instead....worrying about arthiritis....!!!!!yikes...its just too weird...

But this movie deserves to be respected for its creativity and thought put into the script , and its potrayal of life and death in such a brilliant and meaningful way.It gives you soo much food for thought over how one makes the journey and how one meets his destination.

Courage v/s Motherhood...this is what Surrogacy is all about

I was just reading an article on surrogacy in Sunday Times today which made me think.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Surrogacy_stays_within_the_great_Indian_family/rssarticleshow/3932684.cms

Motherhood is such an important phase of a woman's life.Every woman dreams of this miracle to happen to her at some point in her life.The gift of life being passed on is something inexplainable.The patience to go through pain and joy for a good 9 months is something soo hard to think of .
And then for women who are in-conceivable it must be a real hell to imagine that they cannot enjoy the gift every woman has in her. The pain to realise that you cannot have a biological child by yourself. Am sure its soo much of a void for such a woman, emotionally and psychologically hard for her to accept that she is incapable of having a biological child of her own.And then in the times of such desperation to have surrogacy into consideration is such a brave act.As far as i am aware, Surrogacy could mean sharing your womb , giving birth to a child whom you are going to relinquish to a childless couple.And i also know that there are different types of surrogacy.Where the biological mother becomes a surrogate to relinquish her child to someone else or could be a woman who gives birth to a child using IVF (conceiving through the eggs/sperms of donors). This practice has been quite controversial around the world and there are no clear legal rules applying around surrogacy, but i am not intending to go there.

The article that i read today made me realise that it takes a lot of courage for both the childless couple and the surrogate to get into this partnership(sorry for the use of such a word). For the couple its more of an acceptance issue-that the child was not biologically theirs...their genetic lineage going haphazard and the issues related to identity of the child.It takes a lot of courage to look beyond this road-block for a couple and accept their child with all their love.Its truly respectable to break the social norms related to a child's biological identity and fingerprint and open doors to a wider perspective.And for the surrogate mother to go through the ritual of motherhood, shower all the care and kindness over a child she wont be able to call her own, is again courage defined at a different level.Yet again the reasons for entering surrogacy could be anything from helping a family member to monetary reasons.But whatever they may be , it takes a lot of will power and determination to give away a child you nurtured for soo long.To fight this conflict needs a lot of emotional and physical strength.

Whether people around the world or rather the section which we term 'society' accepts surrogacy, attempts to make it legitimate or not, i really salute the 2 parties who go forward into this act.Especially the surrogate mother who breaks the barriers surrounding her to bring joy and hope into the barren life of a childless couple.Ultimately it all boils down to will power and sheer courage to get into surrogacy.

Personally i don't think i will have the courage to go through a surrogate to bring up a child of mine(if it might be a case for me) but definitely appreciate couples who choose this.

'Not-Comfortably' Numb

All of us come face to face with different emotions...Some easy to handle some really hard to describe..I am writing about one such emotion i am going through right now which is so strong that it hasn't left me from the past couple of days...And that is the feeling of being 'numb'... Feeling a sense of hollowness and numbness after following all that s happening in our nation,our city, our Mumbai.

I have never been to Mumbai before...never really had the chance to travel...but honestly i have never felt closer to Mumbai than now. After seeing what literally is 'War in Mumbai', following it for 4 days in and out...i feel like i am in Mumbai though am far far far away from it. I ve never followed an act of terrorism soo closely like how i have done in the past 4 days.My God 4 days is such a long time...4 days of gun-fire...4 days of innocent killings...4 days of bloodshed...4 days of anxiety(for the loved ones)...4 days of ghastly activity...charring lives...monuments....and most importantly memories...
I have always read about terrorism...heard about it on television...watched it being faked on movies in terms of entertainment...but never really watched it closely to feel the pain that goes through it....

My first real encounter with the after-effects of such gruesome acts was during Sept 11th this year when i was travelling from New York to my New Jersey office..I could see people paying homage to the victims...crying for the loss of their innocent loved ones...saw the angry slogans of organisations against the brutality...the least i could do then was feel sorry and count my blessings that such an act of terror will never happen to us in future...


Well i guess i was wrong then- while i see the gruesome acts on Mumbai...devastating our financial captial...bringing it down to its knees for 4 days...makes me realise that terrorism is indeed a world-wide phenomena...anybody could be a victim of it...even as i write maybe somewhere my fate is being cornered...or maybe not...We ve all played games when we were kids...i wish i can play games with God today...wish for an Aladdin lamp...rub a genie out of it...ask for just '1' wish....to take these 4 days back in history...make it such that these 4 days never happened in our lives...get all the innocent victims back to life...bring our brave martyrs back to life...





It was soo horrifying to watch all that happened these couple of days...to watch people being killed indiscriminately..being a hostage to a carnage they dont deserve to be a part of...losing their valuable lives in a way they dont deserve to...The impact on their kin is soo strong...that i feel soo small in comparison to the people who braved it out of the act..I definetely cant say that i can feel what it would be like going through an event so horrendous...but i can definetely say that i could feel the horror...the pain(of a spectator to this event) and more importantly feel the anger boil through me....the anger on how can one value life so little and create such a massacre...
Day 1(or rather Night 1 , the 26th)- i thought it would just be something like the previous few attacks on the city which will not have a huge impact
Day 2(27 th) I read , i see , i hear the terror unfold...hear about the loss of the 3 high end cops being shot point-blank during the attack...feel horrified at the turn of events..I really wished i could have visited the Taj Mahal Hotel in Mumbai before all this happened...wished i had seen how it is to be in a crowded CST station...wished i had seen what the place Nariman Point is all about..wished this terror would stop


Day 3(28 th) I feel totally numb...unable to concentrate at work...unable to keep my eyes of the browser opened onto the latest news...hoping..praying..wishing the carnage has come to an end...
Day 4(29th)numbness continues but with a sigh that the people responsible to this act have perished and met a similar death like those whom they had victimised.I just wish they got tortured before meeting their death.

I knew i could do very little to what was happening in Mumbai but very strangely following news,reading about the incident by the minute, listening to interviews about hostages who managed to escape free,listening to the brave acts of the employees of the Hotels(Taj and Oberoi) and constantly keeping myself learned about the situation was like my contribution to protest and detest such an act.I wish i could do more...but am glad i could pray with the entire nation and stand united.